A Late Night Whiffle (Updated)

So NBC has made a glorious mess of the whole Conan O'Leno thing, agreeing to buy out the gangly redhead and his staff for a cool $45 million. No wonder he's smiling! Let's just hope they don't take it out of the golf budget. The last thing we need is one more thing for Johnny Miller to go off on. But now that the "Tonight Show: Conan O'Brien Edition" has aired its last episode, it occurs to the Whiffler that the time is right for the Golf Channel to enter the late-night fray. I mean, why not – what have they got to lose, a few telephone sales of the Zolex Hammer Driver? The only question is, who should fill the hosting chair? (Photo: AP file, from NBC)
     To help push Golf Channel executives in the direction of launching a ground-breaking, golfer-hosted late-night show, Whiffling Straits has graciously put together this thorough talent analysis. Complete with pros, cons, suggested sidekicks, and possible signature bits or running gags, along with who we'd like to see as the first guest for each subject, it sizes up 10 possible player-hosts who might best give the returning Leno a run for his money in the 11:35 (10:35 Central) time slot.
     As always, please feel free to weigh in with your own analysis and suggestions via the comments section.

Rickie Fowler
Pros: Young, good-looking, charismatic; attractive to young female audience.
Cons: Young, good-looking, charismatic; threatening to young male audience.
Signature Bit: Makes "big entrance" into studio each night by jumping a dirt bike over Gary McCord.
Sidekick: Andy Richter (we hear he's available!).
First Guest: Rory McIlroy

Sergio Garcia
Pros: Suave, debonair, plays a James Bond-type version of himself in beer commercials.
Cons: Occasionally surly; still bumming about losing the opportunity to play father-son tournaments with Greg Norman.
Running Gag: Repeatedly loses to Padraig Harrington at rock-paper-scissors.
Sidekick: Holographic image of the 19-year-old Sergio, the one with all the charm and potential.
First Guest: Sean Connery
(Photo: Alan Light, via Wikimedia Commons)

Lee Trevino
Pros: Talkative, gregarious, quick-witted, appeals to growing U.S. Hispanic market.
Cons: Something of a lightning rod.
Signature Bit: Breaks tension with nervous guests by taunting them with rubber reptiles.
Sidekick: None; he got here by himself and got-dangit if he's going to share the spotlight now.
First Guest: Hootie Johnson

Steve Stricker
(Disqualified from consideration due to extreme bias of evaluation committee.)

Tom Watson
Pros: Classy, well-spoken, adored by international audience, the Scots in particular.
Cons: Frustrating tendency for show to get better and better and better each night only to leave the audience heartbroken at week's end.
Signature Bit: Balances five Claret Jugs on his forehead while missing four-foot putts.
Sidekick: None; leaves sidekick chair empty in memory of beloved caddy Bruce Edwards.
First Guest: Ghost of Harry Vardon

Walter Hagen
Pros: Charming, flamboyant, winner of 11 major championships; fought to make "professional golfer" a respected occupation.
Cons: Deceased
Signature Bit: Enters studio by stepping out of a limo, drink in hand, wearing a rumpled red Nike golf shirt.
Sidekick: Dean Martin
First Guest: Ben Hogan (hey, as long as we're time-traveling ...)
(Photo: Wikimedia Commons)



Phil Mickelson
Pros: Daring, dynamic, unpredictable, charming; loving husband, father, son.
Cons: "... such an idiot."
Signature Bit: Juggles five flaming U.S. Open 2nd-place medals while sinking 40-foot flop shots.
Sidekick: Tiger's shadow
First Guest: Phil's bookie

Michelle Wie
Pros: Tall, slender, pretty, creative; bashes 300-yard drives like a man.
Cons: Might squander first several years of promising new career by trying to work for Spike TV instead of Golf Channel.
Signature Bit: Acting like a college kid with Christina Kim.
Sidekick: Mom or Dad, alternating
First Guest: Annika Sorenstam

Tiger Woods
Pros: World's best golfer, 14-time major champion, winning smile, former role model.
Cons: Looks for love in all the wrong places; rolls with former models.
Signature Bit: Just does it.
Sidekick: Elin, I hope, so she can keep a close eye on him as they work to repair their marriage and put their family back together.
First Guest: John Edwards
(Photo: Aaron Josefczyk via Times Online, UK)

Vijay Singh
Um ... no. Just no.


UPDATE: I thought Conan's farewell speech was pretty awesome: